28% of Students are idiots. Honest to god they’re genuinely awful.

Alfie Powell
December 1, 2021

I’ve learned quite a bit in this job. Having this endless insight into the psyche of a student via all of the surveys we publish is a lot. Most of the time it’s great and I think we do a lot of good, but sometimes it can be troubling. Sometimes I can learn things I wish I could commit to the darkest depths of hell itself.

This knowledge can be a burden. Knowing something as deeply disturbing - something that is detrimental to the health of slightly over 28% of all students in the UK - as I do, brings a tear to my eye. You see, 28% of students think they can beat up the Avenger Hawkeye. As in the guy who fought off various types of aliens and robots, briefly went toe-to-toe with super-powered Black Panther and took down scores of crime syndicates and ninjas in his down time.

can beat hawkeye in a fight

The question I asked was “Be honest... Could you beat Hawkeye in a fight? He's run out of arrows and everything” and 28.1% of people said yes! Granted, he can’t shoot you with an arrow in this fight, but you saw what he can do with a sword and if you’ve been watching Hawkeye on Disney+, you can see what he can do without one of those too!

I’m not even convinced 28% of you could beat actor Jeremy Renner in a fight… and this is disregarding those pretty troubling allegations about his potentially violent homelife.

Let’s not dwell on that though.

Somewhat bizarrely, almost exactly the same number of people think that Pikachu - the little cartoon mouse - can beat Iron Man in a fight. Granted, this little cartoon mouse does have the ability to harness/produce electricity and fire it at people and things, but you know who else can? Thor! And you know what happened when Thor fired a shitload of lightning at Iron Man? That’s right, his armour went to like 400% power and did a big energy blast thing!

Pikachu vs Iron Man
Yes I spent a while on photoshopping this picture just for the survey...

Now, I don’t know if that big energy blast thing would in turn power up Pikachu - and then they’d just be in some sort of vicious circle - but if the Pokémon shows and games are anything to go by, it would probably just hurt Pikachu and his ears would go all droopy and he’d say “Pikaaa”, but sadly.

Like I said. Very troubling stuff, and there’s even more to come out of this godforsaken survey. You’ll have to wait until those revelations though.

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