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20 September 2022

Don't Worry! Size Does Not Matter, According To Students

Yes you read that right. Size apparently does not matter to students when it comes to intimacy and when I say size, you absolutely all know what I mean.

‍In a weird twist, this article isn’t about how certain students feel about the size of their respective partner’s CD collection (christ I just showed my age there and I’m not even old), but rather the size of their penis.

Perhaps the second most asked question in the history of mankind - after the whole meaning of life thing - penis-owners through time and space have endlessly worried whether they were well equipped enough or, for a lucky few, whether they were too well endowed but it’s my great pleasure to announce that you really needn’t worry.

We at Dig-In - very much the voice of the students and, I dare say, the UK’s most debonair company - conducted a survey with the help of Lovehoney, who you may know as the people who produce the sort of adult toys that sometimes make cameo appearances in the background of BBC Zoom interviews, which endeavoured to get to the bottom of students’ sex psyche… but not in a weird way.


The survey revealed a lot about what you lot have been doing, not doing, and worrying about (all anonymously of course, Peter Smith (that’s bound to be someone’s name)) and when it came to the age-old question of whether or not size mattered, you’ll be pleased to know that only 6% of students chose the answer “ABSOLUTELY”.

In a survey that had 1389 answers, which is more than your average toothpaste gets when it comes to dentists, in true student fashion, 32% said that they were “undecided”. To me, that sounds like a good or bad experience could sway them either way. In second place with 31% was “kind of” which, again, is a pretty non-committal yes. After that, “not really” and “not at all” placed third and fourth with 16% and 15% respectively, before “absolutely” got the 6% that I already told you about.

“Whoop-de-doo! But what does it all mean, Basil?” well, to answer one Austin Powers quote with another, “It’s not the size, mate. It’s how you use it”.

Basically, don’t worry about it. Presuming you’re not one of the three people in the world who are actually pleased with the shape and size of their penis, you’re good as long as you stay away from 6% of students.

In any case, if it makes you feel better, 6% of students also admitted to having an STD, so for all you know they could be the same 6% and you’d be doing yourself a favour by steering clear of them…

Probably not a good moral to end an article on but you know.



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